Thoughts During an MRI That Was Full of Sound and Fury and Signified Nothing

-But, but you didn’t even ASK me if I wanted to listen to my Pink Floyd CD for maximum sci-fi experience.

-Ahh, I see… this is one of those more barbaric types of MRIs I read about, with none of the modern amenities. Cool, cool. But thanks for the backlit plexiglass mural of lilies up there, I guess.

-Best enjoy how they’ve got me positioned, ‘cos this is prolly the most aligned my spine’s been in a WHILE.

-They’re lucky I listen to abrasive industrial/ambient music for fun, ‘cos that is what this sounds like.

-Welp, THAT was an unexpected little adrenaline rush. My body must want to either fight or fly away from the specter of extreme boredom (in the absence of my Pink Floyd CD, which is zipped up inside my canvas bag, which is inside a personal possessions locker, which feels far, far away).

-GAWD is it a good thing I finally got rid of those violent post-nasal drip attacks I was having a couple years ago. Having one of those in here would be brutal.

-I came in sleep-deprived thinking all the better to doze off, my dear… but as it turns out, these are not the most sleep-conducive conditions.

-So… that mindfulness meditation thing I tried after a big breakup years ago? Had I managed to perfect that skill, it would have been hella handy right now.

-So far so good with my previously untested claustrophobia threshold. Though, I am waiting for sudden insanity to strike at any moment.

-Excellent, she just put the dye in and nothing awful happened. I’m allergic to super random things, but not this, apparently. Probably a good idea I didn’t sneak that unsanctioned Benadryl.

-Woohoo! We’re in the home stretch and I managed not to make myself itch or need to pee by means of obsessively prohibiting myself to itch or need to pee! Golden.