Take a Good Hard Look at the One Behind the Curtain!

Everyone knows what the Wizard yells. Don’t look at me, in here fiddling with these controls! See only the finished product, not the fumbling. I’m not a malfunctioning, fallible human – I am Great and Powerful!

If you all haven’t noticed from my sporadic fits of bellyaching, my MO in this blog of late has been to dispense with this sort of attempted facade (these tend to fall apart in the long run anyway). I am at a place in life where I am seriously considering my options for a drastic career-shift, and while the process feels solitary and absurd at times, I am well aware that there are many others in the same place. It strikes me that chronicling the experience could at some point prove helpful (or simply vindicating!) to someone.

True, my primary intent for this space is and has been exploring the artistic process and examining other art I find inspirational, captivating, or even unsettling. But I also think it’s important to document frustrations and setbacks from time to time. Especially since a central theme of my art is combatting control freak tendencies, along with the distance from others such tendencies tend to impose.

What I am is no secret (and there are probably more like me than I would anticipate): a “gifted and talented” eighties kid with an inferiority complex/imposter syndrome. A first-wave Millennial (“Xennial”) with an analog childhood and digital adulthood. A multipotentialite still in the process of learning how to translate that trait into something other than total aimlessness and susceptibility to dominant systems. An existential nihilist who is nevertheless glass-half-full and enjoys creating meaning. A strong personality who craves autonomy and flexibility but is also risk-averse and has not (yet!) mustered the stones to work for myself. An introvert who loves the spotlight but only on my own obsessively controlled terms (I wrote about this for Introvert, Dear – you can read it here). A non-maternal, queer female who’s alright with what nature gave her but only barely identifies with the term “woman.” An autoimmune case whose pre-existing chameleonic nature cushioned the blow of her universal hair loss.

My greatest frustration (and source of excitement!) at the moment is figuring out how to apply this peculiar package in the best service of – well – myself and everyone else!

Here’s something I heard today that really impressed me. Actually, impressed isn’t quite the word – truth be told, it made me feel downright justified, as it is a more concise and eloquent version of something I’ve been trumpeting to loved ones all along:

"Somewhere out there are thousands of people who are looking for the exact weird, idiosyncratic stuff that you make. Go find them. So if you're thinking that your audience is too small and you're too weird and no one will show up, guess what? That's the point. I love James Victore's thought on this: 'The things that make you weird as a kid will make you great tomorrow.' And tomorrow is today." - Chris Do

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