A Limerent’s Status Report

In 2023 I realized that the concept of limerence, or involuntary fixation on/intoxication with the inaccessibility of another individual (as described by psychologist Dorothy Tennov) explained an embarrassingly substantial chunk of my life.

Recognizing this went a long way to improving my overall well-being, as did realizing that susceptibility to this state usually stems from a lack of something, and working to enrich my life accordingly.

Since, as I’ve said before, progress is not entirely linear, I think it’s beneficial to touch base with the topic here occasionally, as a self-awareness exercise (similar to what I did recently in coaching sessions for ADHD-like struggles). I hope doing so makes not only me, but also a passerby or two, feel better.

I’ll start by identifying those times when I find myself not in the best form when it comes to my limerent tendencies. When I verge on reverting to unhelpful mental habits.

Usually it’s in times of change. The change may be good or bad, but generally involves violent shifts in the macrocosm that lead me to wonder how some lost figure in my life is navigating them. Never mind that a Limerent Object (LO) is often a stranger to whom one never got close enough to know in the first place – and in many cases this distance is purposefully maintained by the limerent (moi) to AVOID knowledge – so any such musings are wholly speculative, a discussion entirely within the self.

If we’re talking about the good kind of change, it’s usually me wondering what the LO would think about certain accomplishments, certain triumphs of mine. A thought exercise that, of course, amounts to nothing more than the debased pleasure of settling into an old familiar rut.

Other sources of temptation: stretches of idleness, some of which cannot be avoided. Periods of time filled with uninspiring or challenging obligations, even those that come part and parcel with other rewards… which make mental escape – particularly the kind that has been conditioned over decades – almost irresistible.

I’ve found that recognizing all these tendencies as predictable mechanisms – widely acknowledged in scholarly literature and shared by millions of people – in itself goes a long way toward developing the appropriate weariness, even disgust, with myself that serves as a deterrent.