I’ve always thought limerence was simply the term for the honeymoon part of a new romantic and/or sexual relationship.
But recently, watching one of those questionable YouTube videos by someone who may or may not be an actual mental health expert, I had a eureka moment that “limerence” is probably the right word for the substance (so to speak) that I have abused since my days as a teeny-tiny.
Limerence as I’m discussing it here is a fixation on an idealized/unrealistic idea of a person. It can last for many years, and there’s a lot of chatter over whether it’s a form of OCD.
Like most things, limerence is only a problem if it causes dysfunction. I’m not saying that at this advanced point in my life it was actively destroying me or anything, but it WAS causing lots of intrusive thoughts, not to mention luring me to check out mentally as an escape from less pleasant aspects of daily life. It was causing me to be… not PRESENT… on a regular basis. And believe me when I say this was so old hat to me that I barely knew it was happening. Which would be thoroughly fascinating if it wasn’t hella freaky.
Basically, I had given myself permission to persist in certain thoughts and behaviors that I can now see were just a little bit – “whoa”.
The other realization I came to of late is that maladaptive coping strategies like limerence usually creep in to fill a lack of something.
So, friends: I am happy to say that I have made a few changes since last I wrote.
I am actively trying to view my day job as something I take as it comes from moment to moment. To let go of concerns about protecting my ego, and to enjoy my teammates and not keep my authentic self so sealed off from them.
I made room for, and will soon be installing, a piece of exercise equipment in my home, so I can have something right here to hop on as the whim strikes me, without dependence on a gym contract.
I acquired my first affordable analog mini synthesizer, the Arturia Microbrute. It’s known for packing lots of power in a small package and bringing a lot of aggression should one demand it.
In mid-August, the Microbrute and I (along with my TASCAM recorder) are going to have an extended weekend in a renovated carriage house an hour + outside of town, and I am going to use the self-imposed limitation of a new and unfamiliar niche tool to push me to innovate. I’m using this approach to finally get down to some experimental/improvisational material I’ve had in back of mind for awhile.
I got back into reading for the first time in forever after having yet another epiphany: the weirdo movies I watch often come from books, and THOSE are the books I should probably be reading.
Though show booking is proving challenging for an unknown who has no experience carrying a full-fledged live performance alone, I am slowly making myself known and continuing to practice for when the opportunity arises. As my next step, I am considering a livestream where I perform a whole (20-30 min.) set.
I am pleased to report that, while changing ingrained habits still is and will continue to be a process with wins and setbacks, I am already at the point that eschewing old thought patterns and letting the past get smaller and smaller in the rearview feels more rebelliously triumphant than sad/nostalgic. So, I think I’m onto something here.
The Sold Kingdom 