Doing the Work.

It’s amazing how just ending a baseless fantasy and committing to letting mental habits go – which has absolutely no material, quantifiable implications – still feels like a tangible loss that requires a healing process. You become aware how many things you saw through a very particular lens, and how many experiences and activities you felt were subtly infused with a particular imagined presence. You also realize how often your thoughts would customarily drift; how much this really was your drug (read: escapism) of choice. It’s wild, really. And just serves to reinforce how overdue the change really is.

I am finding that thoughts of self-respect and self-preservation are key to focus on. Which is why I just learned this Killers cover. I didn’t keep up with The Killers after their debut, which I listened to lots traveling between Roanoke and Lynchburg in 2005; but I found this one last night, right after posting about saying goodbye to a “mirage”. How perfect that this is the song that kicks off an album called Imploding the Mirage.

(Note: The line I say at the beginning, though I messed it up a bit, is basically a line from the Killers’ official music video for this song.)

My Own Soul’s Warning (The Killers)


I tried going against my own soul's warning
And in the end, something just didn't feel right
Oh, I tried diving even though the sky was storming
Thunderheads were forming

But man I thought I could fly!
And when I hit the ground
It made a heavy sound that kept on rattling through my days
Cutting up my nights like a g*ddamned knife
And it got me thinking no matter how far
That I just wanted to get back to where you are


I kept going against my own soul's warning
But in the end, something just didn't feel right
Oh, I tried running from the memory and the mourning
But the penalty kept on pouring

And now I think I know why!
'Cause when I hit the ground
It made a heavy sound and it kept on rattling through my days
Cutting up my nights like a g*ddamned knife
And it got me thinking no matter how far
I just wanted to get back to where you are

If you could see through the banner of the sun
Into eternity's eyes like a vision reaching down to you
Would you turn away?
What if it knew you by your name?
What kind of words would cut through
The clutter of the whirlwind of these days