Farewell to a 25-Year Mirage.

If you know me at all, you know my ability to craft elaborate fantasies knows no bounds. Some kids on the internet these days have come around to my level of self-mythologizing, given that they talk about dressing or acting like “the MC (main character)” in their own lives.

It’s rich that I have traditionally done this, cos my reality is damn good. I made a number of decisions a long time ago that have led to fortunate outcomes.

All that notwithstanding, though – the fantasies have maintained a life of their own. They’ve constituted an ever-present intrigue that has informed a large part of my body of artistic work.

It’s funny, my being so vague right now, cos I’m normally an oversharing, tragicomic writer that puts it all out there. But somehow I feel like being discreet with this one. The alternative strikes me as somehow tacky.

Tonight, circumstances have led me to the realization that I really need to close, and I mean seriously close, a particular chapter of my life. I’m not 100% sure when the winds changed, but here we are.

A number of things about it are ambiguous, and will no doubt remain so, but I need to be OK with that.

It’s no secret that I am given to being quite maudlin and nostalgic about things. There have even been times that I risked debasing myself to avoid feeling the vacancy after a much-needed goodbye. But in this moment, there is no appeal in that sort of thing. I know and like who I am, this has little to no impact on my daily life, and I am OK.

I also have no bitterness or self-righteousness here. I have a hella weird avoidant attachment style and an existential intensity, and the whacked-out friendship expectations of an insane early-20th-century poet, and I am well aware that all that is NOT for everyone. So yeah, at least 40% of any dysfunction in relationships I’ve had was probably ME. But, that doesn’t change the situation here today.

Just wanted to acknowledge this thing, respect it, and say goodbye proper. 🫡

Are there some residual, unrecorded songs that tap into it in various ways? Yeahhh… but those are entities that can stand independent of their origins.